Somewhere Between

It's been a while since everything happened, and tbh, I thought things would eventually get easier. I thought maybe after a few days, or a week, I'd start feeling a little better. But apparently, that's not how it works. I still think about her every single day. Sometimes it's just a random memory, something funny she used to say, or something that reminds me of the things we planned together. Other times, it's everything that happened between us, especially the things I did wrong. And honestly, those are the worst moments. Because I know I could've handled things differently. I could've been more honest, more careful with my decisions, and more considerate of someone who genuinely trusted me. But I wasn't. I let my own thoughts and emotions get the better of me, made stupid decisions, and ended up hurting someone I never wanted to hurt. And the worst part? I can't undo any of it. I know I've apologized. More than once, actually. But I also under...

 October has been a strange month. Actually, strange might be an understatement. A lot has happened, and honestly, I don't think I've fully processed everything yet. Work is still work. I still wake up early, get ready, go through my daily routine, deal with responsibilities, and somehow make it through another day. From the outside, everything probably looks normal. But a lot has changed. I've lost someone important to me. I've made decisions I regret. I've had conversations I wish had gone differently. And I've spent more time thinking about my life than I probably have in years. It's funny how life works sometimes. A few months ago, I had a pretty clear picture of what I wanted the next year to look like. Now? Not so much. There are days when I feel okay. I go to work, talk to people, laugh at something stupid, drink my coffee, and just continue doing whatever needs to be done. Then there are days when everything feels a little heavier. When random memori...

 I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Some were small. Some were stupid. And some ended up hurting people who genuinely trusted me. Recently, I made one of those mistakes. And the worst part is knowing that I could've made a different decision. I wasn't thinking clearly. I let my emotions get the better of me, made selfish choices, and only fully understood how much damage I'd caused after everything happened. But being overwhelmed doesn't excuse what I did. That's something I've had to accept. I used to think that as long as I genuinely regretted something and apologized, maybe things could eventually be fixed. Apparently, it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes people won't forgive you. Sometimes the trust you've broken can't be rebuilt. And sometimes you have to accept that someone no longer wants you in their life. It's a difficult thing to accept, especially when you know you were the reason they got hurt. I've apologized. ...

 I never thought I'd be writing something like this. But here we are. A relationship I genuinely thought would be part of my future has finally come to an end. And tbh, I still don't really know how to feel about it. Sad? Of course. Disappointed? Definitely. A little relieved? Maybe that too. We had so many plans. We talked about finally meeting, spending time together, meeting each other's families, and eventually building a life without having to worry about distance anymore. I used to look forward to next year so much. It felt like everything we were waiting for would finally become real. But I guess life doesn't always work that way. Somewhere along the way, things started getting complicated. Misunderstandings, expectations, arguments, and the kind of exhaustion that slowly builds up when two people keep trying but don't always understand each other. I made mistakes. Some of them really hurt someone I cared about, and I know I can't just apologize and expec...

 Lately, I've been thinking about something. Who am I actually trying to become? Sounds like a simple question, right? Well, apparently not for me. For most of my life, I've been trying to meet people's expectations. At work, in relationships, with family, and pretty much everywhere else. Someone needs something? I'll try to do it. Someone wants me to change? I'll try. Someone thinks I'm not doing enough? I'll push myself harder. And somehow, I convinced myself that being useful to other people meant I was doing something right with my life. But recently, someone asked me what I actually wanted. And I couldn't answer. That was honestly terrifying. Because how can I spend so much time trying to build a future and still have no idea what kind of person I want to be? I have dreams, of course. I want a better career, financial stability, maybe build my own business someday, travel, and have a peaceful life. But those are things I want to achieve. What about ...

 So, remember when I said I finally sent my resignation letter? Well, plot twist. I'm staying. Yeah, I know. After all those sleepless nights, overthinking, and finally building up the courage to send that letter, I ended up withdrawing it. And tbh, I have mixed feelings about it. When I first decided to resign, I genuinely thought I couldn't handle everything anymore. The workload, the pressure, the responsibilities, it was getting too much for me. But leaving wasn't as simple as I thought. There was the contract penalty, the financial situation, and the reality that I didn't really have enough savings to just walk away. I had a conversation with my operations manager, and after thinking about everything, I decided to stay. Not because everything suddenly became perfect. Not because all my problems disappeared. But because sometimes you have to make decisions based on what you can realistically handle, not just what you wish you could do. And I guess that's what ha...